Safety in relationships these days is not just about abuse (or violence, anyway). How can you tell if you’re in a healthy, aka 'safe', relationship? Well, I’ve learned a few pearls of wisdom that I use as helpful ‘tells’ when life feels confusing. For me, it all comes down to a willingness to want to know what the other is experiencing with you. In other words, when you speak the truth and share honestly for the purpose of connecting, does he (using masculine terms here for ease) want to know what’s going on for you? Can he hear it and be there for you while he truly listens? One way to tell if he can, is if his response back is focused more on you than him. Ok, let’s get in the weeds with an example scenario. Let’s say you realize your share of the mental load is too heavy and you need help carrying it (ahem, especially as we women enter menopause and our brains’ capacity seems to shrink to nothing overnight).
You ask him to have a chat and share this need in your relationship. How does he reply? Is the emphasis on what you are experiencing (ideally, with genuine curiosity) or how he feels by you expressing a need? In other words, is the emphasis on you - does he say ‘You’ve been carrying a lot! How can i help you? What can I take off of your plate?’ Any version of this is healthy and indicates a trusting, equitable balance and open communication for the change you’re seeking.
Now, if the response is ‘I’ heavy with the emphasis on him, not you… ‘I did this (emptied the dishwasher last night!) or ‘Well, I need that!’, I would argue your relationship needs work in order for you to feel understood, validated, and heard (safe). Generally speaking, if you feel like you’re on the same team in a discussion, then you’ve got a healthy balance. Someone who is capable (has the capacity) to be present and authentic. The answer will be yes or no, but you feel heard and leave the conversation feeling loved and supported because he has the capacity to be respectful and open.
If only it were as easy with people as it is with dogs. 🧡
Love, Jenny
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